DRAFT CHECKING ABBREVIATIONS

DRAFT CHECKING ABBREVIATIONS

Red: Redundancy

awk: Awkward

w/c : word choice

g: Grammar

u: Unclear

eg: examples required

P: Punctuation

FE: Further explanation needed

EN: Evidence needed

REP: Repetition of word/phrase

T: Tense

w/m: Words missing

R: Relevancy

SN: Source needed

FEEDBACK 7

GROUP 7

Girls,

Good start! Much of my scribbles on the paper will not make sense unless you couple the scrawls with the set of notes below.  Ask me any questions if you have doubts:

1.  You seem to have covered all of the characters in the play and whilst that is not a negative, you have not analysed their contribution to Eva’s suicide in too much depth.  My suggestion would be to focus on only three characters and collate as much information as you possibly can on each one. 
2. Your modern parallels have been chosen well.  What you need to focus on however is the connection between the play and the current examples.  Think of the play as the main character of your panel discussion-it has to be present at all times and every topic needs to circumnavigate around it.  In short, do not forget about the theme of injustice in the latter half of the panel discussion.  You may want to look at changing some of your modern day examples.  Please find below an outline I have given a few of the other groups.  As you read through it, take note of the direct parallels between the injustices in the play (and the early 1900s) and modern day society. 

a) Birling and his abuse of power over employees: Multinational corporations abusing the rights of workers to increase profits.  An Australian based company would be more suitable for the task at hand. 

b) Sheila and her abuse of power over Milward’s employees:  Young wealthy teens and the control   they have over their communities. Perhaps look at certain celebrities, who have been born into fame and have come to abuse the privilege they have in their society.  Who are they affecting as a result of their neglectful behaviour? 

c) Gerald and Eric and their abuse of power over Daisy/Eva: Sexual exploitation in the      workplace.  Men and women who hold positions of power in the workforce and the existence of sexual exploitation over employees who are of a “lesser” rank then themselves. 

Okay, so in short, work on providing more depth in your analysis of play and clarify the links between the injustices in the play and those of modern day Australia. 

Good luck,

Miss V

FEEDBACK 6

GROUP 6:

Okay, where to start? Girls, you have a lot of work to do. The draft you handed in was ill-focused, it did not read as one text and it was evident that you all weren’t clear on the group’s mission.  So, I’m taking control. You have limited time so this will be your outline:

TOPIC: POWER

a) Birling and his abuse of power over employees: Multinational corporations abusing the rights of workers to increase profits.  An Australian based company would be more suitable for the task at hand. 

b) Sheila and her abuse of power over Milward’s employees:  Young wealthy teens and the control they have over their communities. Perhaps look at certain celebrities, who have been born into fame and have come to abuse the privilege they have in their society.  Who are they affecting as a result of their neglectful behaviour? 

c) Gerald and Eric and their abuse of power over Daisy/Eva: Sexual exploitation in the     workplace.  Men and women who hold positions of power in the workforce and the existence of sexual exploitation over employees who are of a “lesser” rank then themselves. 

Give yourselves distinct roles, work through lunch hours and meet during the weekend.  Don’t forget to ask questions...all of you! (By the end of today's lesson, you need to hand me the time and location of where and when you will meet during school time-Jordy start writing the schedule)

--MISS V

FEEDBACK 5

Girls,

Close to brilliant. Well done! If you have any questions about your feedback...ask!

The analysis of both the play and of current society is extensive. However you are missing one other example of the abuse of social status in the play.  Additionally, you need to include two more parallels to modern society.  You should be commended on your ability to express the link between modern social cliques and the Birling’s comportment. No other group (so far) has been able to successfully use the modern example as a parallel to the themes of the play.  The examples below may provide food for thought:

a) Birling and his abuse of power over employees: Multinational corporations abusing the rights of workers to increase profits.  An Australian based company would be more suitable for the task at hand. 

b) Sheila and her abuse of power over Milward’s employees:  Young wealthy teens and the control they have over their communities. Perhaps look at certain celebrities, who have been born into fame and have come to abuse the privilege they have in their society.  Who are they affecting as a result of their neglectful behaviour? 

c) Gerald and Eric and their abuse of power over Daisy/Eva: Sexual exploitation in the     workplace.  Men and women who hold positions of power in the workforce and the existence of sexual exploitation over employees who are of a “lesser” rank then themselves. 

2. In your introduction you make mention of the injustice evident in both past and present. Good on you for reading the task sheet carefully.  You will need to make sure that you include historical examples in the second half of your panel discussion.  You mention segregation, could be a possibility? Ensure the segregation, presumably racial, occurred in Australia.

3. Watch the clip below.  It is based on the book “Status Anxiety” by sociologist, Alain De Botton. To make your presentation sound more academic, you may want to quote De Botton at some stage of your panel discussion.

Good luck!

-Miss V--

FEEDBACK 4

Group 4:

Dear girls,

Before you continue reading, you need to promise me one thing: REFRAIN FROM FREAKING OUT.  I have made suggestions that involve you making considerable changes.  Please come and see me if they do not make sense.

 

 1. My key piece of advice for you would be to focus not so much on power but the abuse of power-this makes for a more interesting presentation.  The abuse of power, as opposed to power alone, would mean that you would not need to spend time explaining Birling’s control over his family and his employees-we already know that! Now, there may very well be members of the audience that have not seen the play but all that is needed is a sentence such as: Mr Birling, the father in the play dominates the circles in which he operates. You would then introduce the real theme of the play which is the abuse of power and the negative consequences that can arise from the inappropriate use of such responsibility.

2. Avoid at all costs using Inspector Goole as an example of power. He is a symbol of conscience, a “higher being” if you like and is therefore a poor example of the human usage of power.  If you follow the advice aforementioned you will not need to, instead use Gerald and Eric as one example.  Their status in society (an example of power) gave them the opportunity to not only experiment with a young girl of a lower social class but to exit whenever it was convenient for them.

3. You’ll need to revise your modern day examples. Here are some suggestions:

1.       Birling and his abuse of power over employees: Multinational corporations abusing the rights of workers to increase profits.  An Australian based company would be more suitable for the task at hand. 

2.       Sheila and her abuse of power over Milwards employees:  Young wealthy teens and the control they have over their communities. Perhaps look at certain celebrities, who have been born into fame and have come to abuse the privilege they have in their society.  Who are they affecting as a result of their neglectful behaviour? 

3.       Gerald and Eric and their abuse of power over Daisy/Eva: Sexual exploitation in the workplace.  Men and women who hold positions of power in the workforce and the existence of sexual exploitation over employees who are of a “lesser” rank then themselves. 

There you have it, my two cents...

Miss V

FEEDBACK 3

GROUP 3

Ladies,

You seem to understand the structure well and you have the casual tone needed for the panel discussion genre. However, the analysis of the play needs work, as does the links with modern day society.  So take note of the following pointers and come see me for further clarification:

1. Mr Birling firing Eva as an example of class divisions.  You really need to focus on the fact that if the world of the 1900s had been more of an equal playing field then the dismissal would not have taken place.  In today’s Australia, does there remain any injustice as a result of social class divisions?  Are there any other types of unfair dismissals?  Or to make it easier to find examples, are there any companies out there that would, in order to enlarge profits, reduce the quality of an employee’s work life.  Your current example of school groups is not linking all too well currently, I would choose something different.
2. For all the sections, you really need to analyse a great deal more of the play.  Provide evidence for every claim you make. 
3. Sheila “firing” Eva/Daisy: In here you should focus on how Eva used her social status and wealth to get Daisy fired.  In your analysis make sure you explain so clearly how Sheila managed to do this.  “So clearly,” means that you provide a number of examples so that the reader (viewer) has no reason to disagree with you at all.  Your modern day examples should reflect how people use their social status to get their way in society by stepping on others.  Provide specific examples.  You can probably include those school groups her/brand names etc.
4. Gerald and Daisy: You will need to revise the sexuality modern day example.  It isn’t seamless, I found myself thinking, “hang on a second, how do gay rights link to Gerald’s emotional abuse of Daisy?” If you can make the link clearer to me and to the audience than by all means keep it.

Take care girls and please, oh please ask questions. 

Miss V

FEEDBACK 2

GROUP 2:

Ladies,

Okay, we’ll need to do some re-shuffling of information.  Your analysis of the play needs to delve deeper in detail and your examples need to be more closely related to the abuse of power evident in the play. How are we going to fix this?  Firstly, be sure to take note of the points I have written below and secondly bombard me with the remaining questions one lunch hour. 

1. Mr Birling firing Eva: In your analysis, you need to focus on why it was an unfair dismissal. Your modern day examples are best kept to current examples of unfair dismissals and how power is often abused in the workforce.  Do not try and join too many examples such as parental control over children and bullying in the school system-this makes things messy, keep to the abuse of power in the workforce, in particular unfair dismissals.
2. Sheila “firing” Eva/Daisy: In here you should focus on how Eva used her social status and wealth to get Daisy fired.  In your analysis make sure you explain so clearly how Sheila managed to do this.  “So clearly,” means that you provide a number of examples so that the reader (viewer) has no reason to disagree with you at all.  Your modern day examples should reflect how people use their social status to get their way in society by stepping on others.  Provide specific examples. 
3. There is no analysis of the play evident in this section, therefore the modern day examples lack focus. 

You have understood the language and interaction of the panel discussion well. Please come see me if my notes need clarification. 

Take care,

Miss V